Today..I am celebrating a different kind of anniversary! My 1 year surgiversary! One year ago today at this time I was getting prepped for the biggest surgery of my life. So today is my day to reflect,celebrate,cry a little, and plan for the future.
Its hard to believe that a year ago I was barely able to eat 8 oz of a shake in an 8 hour day. I was really mad at myself for doing this and I remember thinking how much this sucked. I remember the early spasms when I drank,thinking this would never go away. I remember all of the different stages that I went through in the first few months. Grief over the loss of my best food friends. Disappointment in people that I thought were supportive. Panic over further hair loss. Anxiety over restaurant eating.
The months flew by though, and those feelings turned in ways that I never could have imagined. As I learned and practiced how to navigate my brand new life, I found peace. I found a certain quiet confidence. I celebrated those special times that someone noticed me. I cried in the dressing room. I relished the first time that I stepped into the unknown realm of non plus-sized clothes. I looked at the person in the mirror-and I LIKED her...like I used to like her.
Being able to move..being able to walk without gasping for breath, being able to sit in the chair of my choosing wherever I am,being able to sit in my car without anything touching anywhere, the feeling of knees touching,getting irritated because the seat belt rubs on my newly exposed collar bone-these are examples of the joys that make up my new way of living.
I feel as though I am finally free--free from the prison that food has kept me in since I was 12. I no longer seek food as a way to comfort myself, fill lonely times, and make a stressful day better. I no longer look for excuses to get out of the house so I can swing by a fast food joint. I use driving time as drinking time instead of eating time. I can go to the store and not care about the bakery smells. My ultimate BFF-ice cream- makes me want to vomit when I think of her. I truly eat to live, and not live to eat.
All of these little things blow my mind away. Someone pinch me so I can join reality! WAIT! This IS reality! I will cherish these little feelings forever,because they will always direct me back on track when I need it.
She seems so far away...that girl above. I see someone who was lost, but found the help she needed to change. I see tired...a girl who was tired of trying-someone who decided to give it one last try because she never gives up. A girl who has made it through so much and still managed to get back up every time. She was strong-now she is stronger. I will always remember this me and I am grateful for this me. This me came a long way in a short amount of time. This me is smart,sensitive,and genuine. The now me..is all that and even a little saucy and sarcastic. I am the same me...just reinvented!
I did not do it all on my own though-so many people have been cheering me on. But first..a thanks to God, for showing me the way here. To my sister, for giving me that extra push to take control and for celebrating those little shopping milestones with me. To people in unsuspecting places that have been amazing-my hairdresser,the MA who draws my endless vials of blood-your genuine encouragement has blessed me more than you realize. To my few friends-thanks for listening,even when our journeys are so different. To my Aunt..who always has crazy little ways of making me feel awesome . And last but not least-to my little family-for accepting their new wife and mom.
My only wish is that my Grandma was still on Earth to see me. She was my best friend and has supported me through everything in life from the moment I was born. This would have made her so happy. I know that she is smiling from afar and every day in my mind I can hear her say, "I love you" in only the way she could say it to me.
This road I am on though...is FAR from over! As far as I am concerned, it will never be over. Even though I have lost 115 pounds, love where I am at, and all of my ails have been greatly diminished,I am still obese. I still have 50-60 pounds to lose. I am still fat,still flabby,and still have work to do.
Crazy June is over and that means I have the rest of the summer to focus on my goals. I want to be at my personal goal by Christmas and I have work to do to get there. This is what I need:
- Tighter food control...meaning clean protein,lower on the carbs and less little bites of this and that. Meat,eggs,cheese,protein shakes,nuts and vegetables are on the menu.
- Start tracking my meals again and writing everything down. Sneaky things have been working their way into my days this month and it needs to stop.
- Exercise.Exercise.Exercise. Get back at the gym. Go for walks. Play with the kids.Go swimming. Do something!
Here are the latest!
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